Finding Myself Again.

 I have been going through a hard time with myself lately. 

Don't get me wrong. I am content with what I have. Still having my lovely parents' support & love, a loving husband and an adorable clever son. What more can I ask for?

Well, I guess I would want me. To love me. I have lost a lot in life. Yeah, it might not seem a lot to others. I know others might have had it way worst. What I meant is as you grow, you lose things like some people you know, the life you had before, people you think you had but actually not really now. It is part of growing and adulting I guess. But the most painful part of losing apart from losing your dearest friend would be losing....yourself. 

I lost my passion. Which is probably the only thing that I thought made me happy. Made me believe in myself. I do not have a career I thought I would succeed in. I have not achieved anything for myself for almost decades now. I can't afford to help my parents financially. Yet to have a stable income at this age. I no longer like to do things I used to. My mental health is a mess. I'm just like a ticking bomb just waiting for a trigger and I'll burst into a crazy bitch. 

So sometimes. When I missed myself, I would just go listen to my past recordings on my phone and try to remember that young naive girl who had such big dreams and passion all die because someone said she wasn't good enough because people didn't see what she thought she could do. 

Why can't they just let you be happy even if it's merely just daydreaming of something that would never happen? 

Anyway, I think I'll just put my thoughts up till here. I have got nothing else to say. But I hope if you have a dream and dying passion although you were not born talented and people don't see what you see, I hope you will never give up and just live your life your way (of course not over the limits I mean everything should have limits. I know some might not agree but yeah.) Just don't give up and hope you will get to the goal you have worked for!

You can do it!

Till then, 

Signing Off, 

Updates & BLW for my baby.

 Hello,

I know it's been a while. Though I'm a "SAHM" (I literally hate this word because we don't just "stay at home" which sounds like we're pathetic shaking our legs just staring at our baby kind) it has been a heavy load of a rollercoaster ride for me.  

Please. I am still very thankful for my life as I still am able to wake up and food is already ready for me (grateful for my mom) and I got lots of help caring for my child (grateful for my dad) and of course my famous super duper fantastic husband (yup he is not perfect but he is just beyond excellent as a person, a son, a husband and definitely a fantastic father). Of course, super grateful for my beautiful healthy boy who never fails to amaze me at every milestone reached and at how much I learn something new about myself. 

I am happy for all that except still finding it hard to learn to accept myself or love myself. I can't lie I feel demoralised for not being able to land a job or sometimes just not being able to provide for myself. Not helping that other's words really get in me so much that I as an overthinker get really really overwhelmed and hard to just do the "breathing".  So I wonder how am I able to help my baby with his "big emotions when I still can't figure out mine? I know people say, if you're mentally unstable you don't deserve to have a child. But honestly, this child helped me a lot too. Help me learn that I am stronger than I thought I am. That I can be loved too, unconditionally. Okay, this is making me really emotional. 

Okay enough about me. 

Just wanna also update what I have been doing as a mom. Haha!

Yes, I cook for my baby, trying my best to keep it healthy but interesting at the same time. I am actually quite lucky alhamdulillahlah. As my baby is not a picky eater (well so far) he loves his food and has no problem trying new things. I have been doing BLW (baby-led weaning) but I am not gonna lie life is not always easy simple and organized all the time for me it's a mixture of BLW & traditional eating (spoon-fed) it really depends on the situation. However, I always try to make it a habit for BLW and never forced my baby into eating. I try to make it a routine where he sits in his high chair/ portable feeding chair which is lower and recites his duaas first then starts with fruits then the main and then a cup of water (which he has been great at sipping the water by himself). He's going to be 11 months old this 25th and has amazed me so much I swear I am super thankful for that! Of course, it is not always rainbows and butterflies with my baby as he can be challenging. Yes I know I use to be a teacher and can handle a handful of students at once but I swear dealing with your own child is SOOOOO different. 

Here's a picture of his BLW meals that I share on his IG. 

 

I do have activities with him too. And try to make DIY materials for him to explore. We do activities together, storytelling and also free play but of course will make it a together thing too. I try to have that more than his screen time. Okay I know he is definitely not supposed to have screen time but we are still staying with my parents which means most of the time the TV is on so he does have his TV time (the only screen time he can have. No tablets no phones. If need, phones usually for him to look at himself that's about it). I have been introducing him "Nussa & Rarra" for Islamic learning and "Songs for Littles" for his English, Speech etc, on Youtube. All these are adult-assisted, with interactions too. We try our best not to let him be too into watching it and making it a habit or the only entertainment for him and it's usually within a short time. I just want to put it up here that no parents or no teachings or guidance are perfect. YOU DO YOU parenting as long as the child is safe and happy. I know children are most top priority but I would like to also shoutout to parents, especially moms or dads alone whoever who spend the longest time taking care of your child that YOUR "SELF-CARE" or "SELF-LOVE" is equally important so if you ever accidentally scolded or shouted at your child IT IS OKAY. But do not wait too long to apologise to them (although you might think they are still babies they don't understand) just apologised and talk to them gently and hug them. BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND THAT SOME ADULTS STILL HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR OWN BIG EMOTIONS AND IT IS OKAY TO ADMIT AND EMBRACE IT BUT IT IS EQUALLY IMPORTANT TO LEARN AND KEEP IMPROVING YOURSELF BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY WE ONLY WANT THE BEST FOR OUR CHILDREN JUST LIKE ANY OTHER PARENTS. NO ONE IS PERFECT. PERIOD. 

Before I go I just want to say, YOU ARE GREAT and KEEP BEING YOU. Don't let anyone bring you down. You are perfectly fine as you are, UNIQUELY YOU.

Signing Off, 

My Little Human is OUT!

Assalamualaikum & Hello readers,

I have delivered! Hahaha yes I know I delivered in November 2021 and it is now almost March 2022. But oh wells my pregnancy reveal was in March last year. How time flies that now I'm typing this as fast as I could before the baby wakes up. Lol. 

Well, whoever actually reads my blog and was actually waiting for an update, here it goes!

Bismillah, Ma shaa Allah

Samudra: Ocean in Java also; The Miracle of Prophet Musa a.s: Splitting of The Red Sea.

Musa: Named after Prophet Musa a.s: The Prophet who was most mentioned in the Holy Al-Quran. Also after his Daddy, Shuib (also named after Prophet Shuaib a.s who is Prophet Musa a.s's father in law)

Samudra Musa was born at 12:07am on 25 December 2021 after 17 hours of what seemed like the end of my life. Haha! Yes, I knew my body well so I took the epidural (& I don't give a damn about what people gonna say about that) and I have NO regrets because even with the epidural I was in PAIN! Well, not until I was at 8cm dilated. At first, I thought wow is this it? Like I wasn't feeling anything and was getting a little bored and demoralised after every check that I was still not dilating. My husband was the greatest support also my family members who kept texting and calling to check in but literally, my husband kept reminding me to breathe to listen to the recitation of surah on the radio we brought in with us to the delivery suite. Anyway, I recorded my pregnancy journey as much as I could in my notes in my phone. So just pasting it here to save time haha!

ShuRa’s First Baby

15 March 2021

Currently at CCK Poly just checked and Alhamdulillah 3rd urine test and positive.

1st Urine test on 12 March with a faint line but I had a strong feeling and just had to share it with my mom because I was excited and so scared at the same time. Took another test at home on 14 March and had a strong + line. Alhamdulillah syukur.

Been having bad cramps, constipation and vomiting. Like whatever I ate comes right back out. 

So today checked with the doctor. She said it's normal at the first trimester to have such but if it's overbearing have to go to A&E. Alhamdulillah the test today was positive too. She said probably due on 17 Nov

Booked for NUH.

A week later to go over for a checkup.

Ya Allah, I can’t thank you enough for this miracle. I really can’t wait to tell the hubs. Really hope I could surprise him on his birthday on 2 April. 

Update: I told him on my birthday instead. Lol. 

20 April 2021

At 10pm-ish Bunda almost going 10weeks.

Your daddy couldn’t bear to see me in pain and brought me to A&E.

It wasn’t because of the constant vomiting after every sahur & buka. But Bunda had bad chest pain up to the neck and jaws. It was there since afternoon a new pain. Doc gave a jab and insert a few medications and supposedly iv dripped 4 bags coz Bunda was dehydrated. But Bunda couldn’t take the cold in A&E and was feeling a little better so wanted to be released earlier. The chest pain was indeed acid reflux. Was discharged at around 2am-ish.

22 April 2021

Finally, the day has come for us to see you! Bunda was having a bad tummyache due to a week of constipation and the meds were finally kicking in. It was not a day to be in pain and Bunda’s anxieties had to budge in too. But Bunda and Daddy was super duper excited to see and hear you. Unfortunately, only got to see you, baby. But Alhamdulillah doc said your heart was beating normally as it should. Ahhhh I cried (controlled tears) of the joy of coz!!!!

2 June 2021

Just to update Bunda has been feeling a lot better lately. Yeah, there are still bad days where vomiting is constantly there but I have the appetite that means I yearn for more foods. And can’t stop thinking bout them until I get a taste of them. Haha!

Anyway waited for your Daddy to come home and be ready for the next baby appointment. 

Alhamdulillah, got the same doc from the last which is nicer and friendlier. Bunda’s urine results showed that no more dehydrated and all good. Went to check on your heartbeat. Oh my Allah my first baby’s heartbeat. Allah is great! How I wished I had recorded it. Daddy heard it too though he was behind the curtains. But nevertheless, I know Daddy was so happy to hear you. All those worries are gone just like that knowing you are okay. Really can’t wait for next month for your gender reveal haha! In shaa Allah all goes well. Ameen. 

28 July 2021

Assalamualaikum anak Bunda & Daddy (prob what you will be calling us once you can talk), today we went for another checkup but before that, we went to Queensway to buy your Daddy’s boots for his new job starting next week. Your Daddy is trying so hard for us sayang. Then Bunda met the NUH “psychiatrist” to share how Bunda is feeling and all and also the MAMS lady who gave Bunda $20 for the survey Bunda did. Then met the doc (so disappointed it wasn’t the same doc and to make it worst a man; just don’t feel comfortable with a man checking Bunda) get to see you again through the scan and asked if we could record the sound of your heartbeat hehe. Luckily, the nurse was super nice. Daddy recorded. We’re just glad to hear you; knowing you are just fine and growing healthier and healthier. In shaa Allah ameen. So on the 13 July, we will get to see your gender. We’re planning not to as we wanted to have a little “baby gender reveal” just Daddy & Bunda. You’re our first love so yeah. Can’t hide the excitement. Teehee. 

13 July 2021

Today was the most looked forward to. Luckily Daddy doesn’t even need to go to work after asking for 1/2 day leave. We went to change the Singtel box first at One Raffles then went to NUH, to get breakfast then Bunda did the cheek swab for MAMS then waited and waited and waited for the scan. And finally, we got to see you again, still so active Alhamdulillah syukur Ya Allah! We get to see your heart, your hands, legs and all your body parts, this time longer and more detailed. We didn’t wanna know your gender yet and asked the doc to keep it in the envelope. Once done with the scan, we went for a breastfeeding class. It lasted like 20mins. Then we went to search for balloons! Hahaha, it was hectic. Daddy made some calls to check for last-minute gender reveal balloons available. Haha! Bunda was getting anxious by this time. We really wanted (Bunda la) to have it today! So  Daddy called SKP again the one at Clementi Mall. So we decided to DIY haha. Save cost! It was so funny. We asked the cashier at SKP to put either the pink or blue confetti in the black latex balloon that costs less than $2. We passed them the envelope and waited outside SKP. The most anxious wait ever. Haha! We bought some food, took the DIY balloon, grab back home. Waited for your Uncle Bro to come out from the toilet once we reached home. There was Bu Nyai, Yah Yayi and Uncle Bro at home. We video called Mami & Dadima. And the rest was history! I kept an album for you to see. With some videos too. Can’t wait to see you my dear boy 🤍

P.S: We had another gender reveal at your Oma & Pak Awe’s place on 20 July during Hari Raya Haji where your Aunt (Umi Yah) and her family was also there to also celebrate her 33rd birthday. Your Lil Uncle (Mamang Uki) was the one who popped the balloon. They were all so happy as they really wanted a boy. 

19 July 2021

Your daddy couldn’t accompany Bunda to the NUH doctor’s appointment this time as he just changed his job so it’s really not easy to take multiple off. So this time your Bu Nyai accompanied Bunda. In the morning we went for her blood test at CCK Polyclinic then went to eat breakfast at Macdonald where it was now due to the KTV’s covid case numbers rising, only 2 pax were allowed to eat. Anyway, after that, we went shopping a bit then went home to solat zuhr and then went to NUH after. We took a scary bus ride (it was windy, wet and drizzling and the driver drove so fast) so you can imagine your Bu Nyai holding your Bunda tightly. (I love her so much). We waited to see the doctor for almost 2hrs 😅 but luckily even tho it was a male doctor he was really nice and friendly. But then came bad news about Bunda’s cyst growing and had to take an expensive blood draw to check if it was cancerous or not. I was so scared that it would affect you and me. (Bunda is bad with handling pain.) after all that chaos, we went to eat and just had like a heart to heart talk and then went on home. 

6 August 2021

Bunda had to go to Polyclinic on this day, accompanied by you Yah Yayi as Daddy has to work. Bunda has some problems with peeing and itching down there lol. And Bunda was worried it could be UTI. Which was true Bunda had it. They checked Bunda’s urine test and sadly Bunda’s results weren’t good. So for now Bunda has no choice but to eat the antibiotics given super huge one. Bluek. 

13 August 2021

Went to Polyclinic for a revisit to check if Bunda’s UTI has cleared. Went with Yah Yayi but waited so long until your daddy came and went to see the doctor with Me. The doc was nice luckily Bunda’s white blood cell has gone down from 800 to 80 after taking the meds but sadly UTI is still seen so have to go for another visit and continue the medication. After that went to see Bunda at Hillion.

15 August 2021

Went to accompany Yah Yayi for his 2nd vaccine jab but Bunda's discomfort and the private area was so bad that Bunda was moody all day. So Bu Nyai asked to go and see the Doctor at a GP clinic. Was funny cause we went everywhere to find a clinic but since it was a Sunday so a bit hard. Finally, your Daddy found a family clinic at Senja BLK 628. Luckily enough it was a female doc. Bu Nyai went in with Bunda this time. The doc was nice and checked and diagnosed that Bunda was sadly having a Vaginal Infection too. Arghhhh 

19 August 2021

One of the scariest days of Bunda’s life. So as you may read the prev story above I’m still on my anti-biotic so went to Poly at CCK with Yah Yayi for the 3rd time to check if the infection has gone and to my surprise, it has gotten worst. From RBI 800 to 80 now to 1800 😱. Also, the night before the checkup Bunda’s tummy was so tight and felt some pain in my lower abdomen. So the doc decided to send Bunda to NUH A&E. So off Bunda cried first then took a grab which at first because of panic, almost went in someone else’s grab 😅. Then we reached A&E the nurse said since Bunda is 24 weeks and above which I was currently 27 weeks, I had to go straight to the labour ward in a wheelchair. Hadoi! I was so scared plus Yah Yayi couldn’t follow. So down came the tears again. Suddenly I heard, “that’s my wife!” Your daddy came to the rescue. Only he can accompany me but had to do a swab test first which he had to pay $20 and got 2 test kits. Then Bunda was pushed to Ward 22 Delivery Suite bed 11 first. And they checked me. It was so scary but Bunda try to practice breathing and calm down. The check my tummy and put like a “vaginal clip opener” and swab my “below” also. It’s definitely not comfortable but painless. The most painful was the needle and the rough nurse who couldn’t find Bunda’s vein to put the drip on me cause your heart rate was suddenly high. Daddy was all the way with Bunda, trying to make Bunda laugh, read some doa for Bunda. He is so amazing and Im so grateful for him. But now although Bunda has been discharged still no news about the UTI and what is going on with me. So have to wait for the next OBG appointment at Clinic G then I’ll ask away. 

24 August 2021

Bunda had to fast from 12am and be at Clinic G by 8:30am. Daddy took 1 whole day of unpaid leave. When we came they took my 1st blood test and 2 more extra blood test for MAMS. Then Bunda had to drink the glucose drink which actually tasted like Fanta Orange only that there’s no gas and it's super sweet. Bunda managed to finish it in 6mins. Then the doctor called to come in. Alhamdulillah, no results of infection were seen in Bunda’s urine test. But have to continue the antibiotics. And Doc asked if Bunda wants to take the pregnancy vaccines which if I’m not wrong for flu and for you. And Bunda also booked my covid vaccine with NUH so in total I would need to take 4 jabs 😅. But today Bunda only got 1 pregnancy jab as the other one was out of stock. So after that took the second jab

14 September 2021

Your daddy accompanied Bunda for another appointment at clinic G and Bunda’s first covid vaccine jab.

27 September 2021

Your Yah Yayi accompanied Bunda as he also had his appt at NUH. It was a long wait coz he was in the morning mine was in the afternoon so we ate and he slept a few times while waiting for hahahah. I went for a scan at the fetal care centre where he get to see you and your pouty mouth super cute! Then we head to clinic g for the appointment. 

11 October 2021

Today your daddy accompanied Bunda as I have a checkup at clinic G and after that took my second jab. Double checked with the doc if needed c-sect as Bunda’s cyst was getting bigger but Alhamdulillah doc said if all goes well may not need to. 

12 October 2021

Bunda didn’t take the second jab well couldn’t sleep well super tired super weak body aches all over. So took anarex thought that it was like any other panadol but the pain worsened towards my chest. (Which the doc said pregnant woman can’t take 😱 in my heart kept saying sorry to you and rubbed my belly.) So your Daddy brought me to A&e and had to take a few blood tests, 2 ECGs which was super uncomfortable bcoz Bunda had to remove the bra. Urgh. We were there from 6pm-ish to 11pm-ish. Worst pain ever but Alhamdulillah am now feeling much better. 

20/21 October 2021

Had “contractions” and daddy time it and it was close to each other the night of 19 Oct and the next day, 20 Oct only had mild contractions here and there but was worried during shower time if some of my water bags leaked. It felt like I kept peeing while showering, cleansed it over and over again but kept coming out. Tried sitting down again and wiping then putting on a new set of panty liner and underwear but yup wet again just clear unscented kinda wet so told your Yah Yayi and called your daddy who was still at work. Luckily it was around 4ish to 5pm so daddy was about to head home. So once daddy came, we called the delivery suite and was so mad at how the nurse speaks. But we just follow through and head to A&E like how we were told. Daddy sent Bunda first before he had to take the ART test to go up. While I wait for a porter to send me up. Went in for checks and had to take to swabs. ART & another awfully painful one. Well, not as painful as the butt jab for your lungs that bunda got. No leaking as told but contractions were huge and close together. So they gave pills and the butt jab and pills didn’t work so had to take like a sidearm jab which was not as painful as the butt one but as told heart rate will go up but didn’t know it could also give me the shivers. Then had to wait so no choice had to be admitted to Ward 48, Bed 22. (btw the nurse at the delivery suite was super nice this time but I couldn’t get her name oops). Daddy was super nice to stay till 4pm-ish which was when the nurse saw him and shoo him away. Daddy was super tired. But bunda was okay with him leaving as it's almost 5am which means Good Morning! Now still waiting for the second painful butt jab to be monitored and also waiting for daddy to bring food coz breakfast was secopot je k. Doc said have to stay another day but hell to the no. I don't wanna!

-——————————

First Covid Pfizer Jab

14 Sep 2021

30weeks 3days

Second Covid Pfizer Jab

11 Oct 2021

34weeks 2 days

——————————-

16 November 2021

Probably the last checkup at clinic G.

Your Bu Nyai accompanied Bunda.

She took a week's leave (which was never easy for her) to take care of me well it was supposed to be after my delivery but her work is so inconsiderate so yeah. The day before that was your Buyut’s birthday, we celebrated just among us Dadima, Bunda’s family and your atok (Paman Jai) at Bukit Batok, Dadima’s house, where we ate lots of food but the funny thing is the next day only Bu Nyai and I had diarrhoea. Maybe that leads to Bunda having such a painful stomach along with the cramps. The checkup at clinic G went okay they said Bunda was 3cm dilated (which means it was getting closer to meeting you) then after that we went to eat where halfway thru I was needing the toilet so bad (diarrhoea) then once all done we went to get Starbucks (Christmas special drinks) after that went Ang Mo Kio to get your Dadima’s present. Your Bu Nyai was not feeling well so we had to go back right after we got the present. Once back home we took turns to have “war” in the toilet”. Right after the “war” in the toilet Bunda was not feeling okay and it got worst and worst because Bunda had a little “stress” over something & someone who came so maybe it made it worst. So Bu Nyai & Uncle Bro rushed Bunda to the hospital after we called the delivery suite. Everyone was so worried, even your Ya Yayi cried and kissed Bunda on the forehead. And Buyut cried when we went to bid goodbye at her place. Once at the a&e bunda had to stay in a&e first coz the delivery suite was full and Daddy had yet to arrive. They checked and bunda was still 3cm still early and nothing alerting to do. So had to wait. In the delivery suite, the doc said either to go home or stay in the ward and just walk around to get dilated faster. So bunda & your daddy decided to go home. Your Atok, Yah Yayi & Bu Nyai came (while waiting daddy & bunda ate at Kopitiam but yet again halfway thru bunda had to go to the toilet) to pick us up at the hospital. Bunda was still in pain.  We went home and bunda tried walking around, sitting on the birth ball and just trying to make the dilation faster. Then went to sleep. 3am bunda’s stomach hurts so went to the toilet to take a poo after that while cleaning myself, bunda realised something and was shocked so threw it on the floor. To my surprise, it was my mucus plug. And there was still some bleeding after. (Another sign of getting closer to meeting you)

23 November 2021

Appt scan & clinic g with your daddy

Still 3cm but did a sweep so waited for 1hr plus roaming around nuh to see if contractions were regular and it was. So daddy called the midwife and we went in. Checked and still 3cm but the doc wanted to admit bunda to the ward and drip antibiotic. Ward 48 bed 7 asked for 6 bedders but since no bed got a 4 bedder. 

24 November 2021

6:59am - 4cm active labour sent to the labour ward 

10ish am- epidural 

11ish am - doc burst waterbag

Thursday, 25 November 2021

40weeks & 5days

Samudra Musa Bin Muhammad Shuib

12:07am

3.6kg

Labour ward 22 bed 12

Went home at 3/4pm-ish. Your Mummy Sya & uncle bro came to pick us up. They were super excited to meet you. 

Okay here are some details I am adding:

• 4cm dilated and was sent to the labour ward
• Did not feel much pain yet but took the epidural still as I know my body best. (Don't care about what people gonna say about this as I still was in PAIN even with the epidural.)
• Waterbag wasn't fully burst, I mean even after they burst it, I didn't feel much pain or water coming out of me. 
• At around 8cm was having a high fever, high heart rate. The baby was stressed, high heart rate too and was facing sunnyside up. Doc suggested C-sect at this point.
• Doc had to put her whole fist in to turn baby to face downwards. 
• This was when the waterbag fully bursts.
• I was in total pain after could not move and was kinda told off by the nurse to sit up by myself!
• I (like always) panicked and cried. I was so in pain and thought oh, my cysts burst!
• Only to be told off that you're in pain because of your contraction. Baby is coming out anytime now. 
• They gave me "painkillers" like the gas thingy and such which did not really help but I was like just give me anything NOW!
• They were about to take me to c-sect but my family prayed and I managed to give birth normally. 
• Pushed a few times and my little human came out. 
• They placed him on my tummy and cried so loud without tears. 
• Like, do not freaking know why my tears could not come out.
• But the FEEELS of his weight on my tummy. 
• Maigod I AM A MOM!
• THAT IS MY LITTLE HUMAN?!
• WHUATTTTTT.

Ok, that should be A LOT to read so I'll be gone again for a while and I'll come back when I feel like it. Okay bye. Thank you for reading whoever you are!

Signing Off, 

My Baby's Gender Reveal

 Yup, you read that right. 

Can't believe I'm 22 weeks now. It felt like only yesterday that I found out I was finally pregnant! 

My baby gender reveal was not planned well. Well we, (mostly me) was so anxious and can't wait for the following week which is during Hari Raya AidilAdha to announced it to my family. We went for the Fetal scan checkup and our little one was super active that the nurse/doctor had to mention it multiple times. LoL 😏

So Imma put it in sequence how yesterday was like.

Morning:

• We went Public and head to One Raffles to exchange Singtel's (forever problematic server).
• Took MRT from there to Kent Ridge had brunch there. I ordered Mee Rebus and the husband ate Laksa. We ordered a coffee set with eggs and kaya toast and shared it as sides. P.S: Totally regretted eating a lot and drinking coffee cause my pregnancy recently can’t brain coffee and can’t take too much food (when I'm always super duper hungry)

Afternoon:

• Met MAMS and had to do my own cheek swab got paid $30 for that. 
• Had the scan and met our beautiful baby. We insisted not to be told the gender during the scan and asked if they could put it in an envelope for us (for the gender reveal of course).
• When to a breastfeeding class that lasted around 20 minutes. Husband took videos (you are permitted to do so). My mind was just "please body be kind to me and my baby" all the while. 
• Then we stood around calling and searching for balloon companies. Went to get a drink at Bagus and continue our search. I was getting too anxious. Either because the balloons were out of our budget, pickup location too far, too last minute or no time to get as it was already close to 5pm and most of the shops closes at 5:30pm.
• End up taking the MRT to Clementi. Decided to DIY our own "last-minute simple balloon". Went to SKP, took a pack of black latex balloon, a pack of pink confetti and a pack of blue confetti. We asked the cashier to help us with placing either the pink or the blue confetti in the balloon before they blow it with helium. We passed them the envelope and went outside the store to wait. They were really helpful and kind. I am really impressed as SKP don't usually have friendly staff (where I used to work requires lots of SKP visits, so yeah)
• Bought some food at the new "Boleh Boleh" Hawker that everyone has been raving about on Facebook. It is located right beside SKP at Clementi Mall. 
• 
  
• 
• Went home to my parents and brother, video called my sister and my aunt. And the rest was history!
• 
  
• 

  

  
  
  
  I was shocked as you can see because I really thought we were having a girl. My husband thought so too. But we were not really like, specifically wanted a girl or a boy. We were already happy at the fact that we were finally getting (what seems like a long-awaited) baby. But really happy to get our first baby boy! I can't thank Allah S.W.T enough for the never-ending blessings in my life. My life ain't perfect and I know it will never be and that I will always have to go through dark days and fight with my emotions but I am thankful still at every moment I get. 

Thank you to anyone reading this. That’s all I have to share for today. Imma go back to overthinking now. Lol. There's a lot I have to think about now. But yeah bye for now!

Love,

November gonna be lit!

Hello,

I'm back here again after a while. Usually, when I'm writing here it means I needed to shout out my feelings and mostly its negativity. But today it's not all negative because I have great news to share.  Well, not that I have readers out there who constantly wait for my writings. But oh well, I'm just gonna say it anyway. 

I'm PREGNANT! Alhamdulillah!

It seems like a long wait. But here we are, after quitting my job in December and been trying to have our mini us, we're finally having a baby! The cute part is it was confirmed on my 28th birthday after testing on a home test kit twice, I decided to check with a doctor at the Polyclinic before being referred to my one only go to "hospital", NUH. Haha. 

Now, that most of my close family members and beshtyy know the news, I think it's quite safe to share it here knowing not many people I know, might read it. Haha!

Here are some cute images of our mini us that I collated in my baby's album. 

Okay, so I took a test on 2 test kits. The first was with a faint line and the second was with a strong line haha! The first image was from the first ultrasound and the last was from the second ultrasound. We just went to the third one which was just to check our baby's heartbeat and I swear, Allah is great! Just to share with you my pregnancy journey. My first trimester was a lot to take in. The constant vomiting, couldn’t eat or stand any smell be it nice or yucky smell. (Luckily I can stand my husband's smell). I am in my second trimester now still having the vomiting but not as bad and much endurable. 

Mental health-wise, I think knowing that my baby is healthy and having a great support system like my amazing mum and a really amazing husband does help a lot. So far, no like bad panic attacks since the last time I had when I was working. I do have worries like, financial worries as now only my husband is working and just feeling a little depressed that I am at home most of the time if all chores are done and nothing much to do, the overthinking me will start to kick in and that is scary. But I can say I am so much stable now. I am not too stressed but I guess having some worries is normal. Also, NUH does have these "psychology doctors" who will call and check up on me. Oh also because they do surveys for new moms and from there they are able to give some help or advice. Which I find really helpful although every time they call me I get nervous for no reason. 

Our baby is due in November 2021. In shaa Allah.  And in a month's time, we will probably get to know its gender. For both my husband and I, we are so thankful to have a baby so we don't really mind the gender as long as our baby is healthy and of course, I'm healthy. That is more than enough. 

Okay before I go, just want to give a shoutout to both my mum and husband for everything they did for me. For always being there and always trying to understand my meltdowns and even loving my happy moments. I am so blessed and thankful to Allah S.W.T. although I know I have sinned a lot but he never stop blessing me with all these. I will try and be a better person for myself and for others. In shaa Allah. Ameen. 

Also to all mothers and who wants to be mothers, I pray all your wants to be granted and ease all your burdens. Ameen. You guys rock!

Till then, bye!

 Hi.

It's pathetic. I know. I only share negative thoughts that I couldn’t share with a person. Or maybe I already did but just didn’t want a reaction for today. So here I am. Again. Technically, my life is so pathetic right this very moment. It is like being a teenager again tucked in my room with the sun almost down at a very orangey "love story" kinda colour and listening to some cool people with their cool music which I can never make a record on. 

It's now March 2021. Yep. I said that right. Can't believe life goes by without a pause for a breather. I am not that child anymore. And it is not okay to stay in my room feeling pathetic and not being able to do anything about it. 

It's gonna be the 15th soon. And what? I am still the same old pathetic me. Jobless af. All my passion down the drain. I will always be nothing. Nothing to them. Nothing to me. Only getting fatter and dumber. 

I gotta go now. Bye. 

Signing Out,

Just dropping by to say Hi.

 Hi.

Not been actively creative lately. Have yet to finish my Wattpad story or finish a song I wrote. Have yet to upgrade me, musically or in any way. 

Still jobless. Will wash the clothes tomorrow. 

I did look for some jobs online and did apply some. Still waiting. 

Well, I actually got interviewed once by my friends, friend, who will be opening up a new "Edutainment" business. But not sure when will it ever open up due to COVID, business is slow. So I'm still open to looking for jobs still. 

Anyway, I hope you readers are doing good during these tough times. Good, physically and mentally and emotionally.

That's all my head can come up with for today. Hope to be writing again soon. 

Bye. 

Signing Out,